I almost gave up on this space. I've had a happy life for awhile, or at least one in which I've been satisfactorily (is that a word) distracted. I forgot about you. But I come back now--do you feel at all used? Like a tool? Sorry. I'm wracked with guilt again.
My cycles; guilt, anger turned inward, then self hatred, then repair, then guilt...
New cycle: guilt, anger turned outward, externalized hatred, then repair, then guilt...
what would I do without the anger? Why can't I just live in peace? I've been without a boyfriend now for awhile. I broke up with him. He kept asking where I went when we fucked; I couldn't tell him, and then it disturbed me that I couldn't tell him, and then I began to doubt how close we really were.
In the end, I went elsewhere. For real. I got drunk at the bar, and put my hand on a guy friend's thigh while looking straight into his eyes. I'd never done such a thing before, maybe it was the liquor, or maybe it was that anger I just referred to. I moved my hand up, and I could feel him go hard, both in his pants and in his eyes. He became an entirely different concept in that moment--it was an animal thing.
I'd never felt so powerful, and that made the anger dissipate, and made me say 'screw my guilt.' And then, dear diary, I screwed HIM. "Let's get out of here," he said, and I nodded.
I remember I'd forgotten to wear nice underwear. Don't chicks usually wear something black and lacy for this sort of thing? I was wearing cotton briefs and a tshirt bra. Not matching, even. I guess I wasn't that drunk if my underwear concerned me. But it was a flash of heat, those initial groping, horny moments, and it burned the thoughts of my underwear right out of me.
Unfortunately, my friend wasn't so good a screw. It was hot until we started actually screwing. The guy had no rhythm--it shouldn't have surprised me, he's not a good dancer. When he came inside me, i felt a relief that it was over. I'd never tell him that, but the temptation to have sex with him again is no longer here. But he did what I needed him to do--he stick his dick in me, and undid the relationship I didn't have the guts to undo myself.
The boyfriend and I were over.
Where did I go when I was fucking him?
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